Driving... Miss My Girl.

Had a thought while driving one day... When I get to heaven, I think the first thing I want to do is spend my moments with Taylor. I'll probably sneak away while everyone is singing and praising and just be with her. Of course, this is the human, me, talking... who knows what I will really do then... Maybe my brain will cease to work and I will lose all form of autonomy. Or maybe, I'll find a whole bunch of mothers and fathers, whom all sneaked away to spend time with their children who left too soon. It would be like sneaking away to the boy's room for a smoke break, only to find out you are not the only one... in the stall... doing the same thing.

I think I will just spend all eternity making up for the time lost in a lifetime.
Taylor would have been 8 months old today. We both still cry... in the weirdest times and for the weirdest reasons. I think I might be going insane too. Last week, a father was rocking his 6 month old girl during a worship service. It just reminded me how I have lost that chance with Taylor. It was hard holding back during those moments. I almost wanted to buy a doll just to rock "her..." with her head on my shoulder... I just want to experience carrying/rocking my flesh and blood.

On another occasion, while driving, I was thinking of death. Not that I want to die, but just death in general (Which is common since I teach on that topic). In the past, while I don't really fear dying I don't really look forward to it. Now, it seems like it doesn't really matter as much. In fact, sometimes, I think I welcome it. Then ,I will see my daughter again. The will for self-preservation seems to have decreased.

Of course, there are people that I care for that are still living. For that, I will look both ways when I cross the road.