Taylor would have been 5 today

Fifth anniversaries are supposed to be special. Well, Taylor would have been 5 years old today. There's a lot of "She would be doing this/that" or "She should be standing there with the other (5 year old) kids" or "She should be in this class now..." It doesn't get easier.

I've always wanted to write a song for Taylor. But I sort of "lost" my creativity for a long time. The last song I've written was probably over a decade ago. I was determined to try this time. I've been practicing for 2 days and my fingers are a little sore. The lyrics below are from a Demo (i.e., Still not decided if they will be the final lyrics).'

  Kisses on Your Pillow 

Though it's been awhile
In my mind you're still the same
Your smile never fades away
Still I'm wishing you were here
Even more this time of the year

 (Prechorus)
Like a candle in the wind that's gone too soon
You didn’t have the time for a world under a blue moon 

(Chorus)
So I’ll leave... you kisses on your pillow
 Just remember whom they’re from down below
If you catch a falling star
Send it close to where we are
Then we’ll sleep with your kisses on our pillow
But for now, just for now, that's how it'll be

Another year
How can time stand so still
 Yet move like a crazy train
All those missing photographs
Now I take them in my mind.

 (Prechorus)
I don't know what you would look like if you stayed But I sure hope that you would know me on that day… On that day… On that day...

 (Chorus)
 So I’ll leave you kisses on your pillow
 Just remember whom they’re from down below
If you catch a falling star
Send it close to where we are
Then we’ll sleep with your kisses on our pillow But for now, just for now, that's how it'll be

On birthday, grieving, and shooting

(I've typed this using the ipad, and somehow the paragraphs are not showing. any solutions?) Taylor's birthday was on Sunday. We have been thinking of how our lives would be like if she were alive... How the 20+ hours plane ride would have been... Of course these questions didn't just take place on here birthday but usually more around this time. The school shooting in Newtown, CT left me a lot to think about. Mostly thoughts of the parents of the children killed in the shooting. How they have to deal with the consequences of the grim reality and, at the same time, grieve for the loss of their children. Adults died that day too and it is sad. But I think I can relate more with the parents of the children. There are probably dozens of questions going through their mind right now. How can this happen to my child? My baby? Not this one! How can this person/madman come in and tear away the lives of some many people. Does he know what he has done? To my child... to my family... to me??? How can my life ever be the same? Taylor did not die from a shooting. But these were the same exact questions I've asked. And I tried to put myself in the shoes of those parents (and family). What I have found useful is to accept what has happened to be fact. When I have worked through that stage of grief/loss, the healing process was a little easier. Sometimes, anger is necessary. Okay, maybe most times... But I think if you don't give yourself the permission to feel all the emotions, these raw emotions will pent up in you and find someway somehow to manifest themselves. Be happy, sad, mad, joke, cry, laugh, curse, stare... No matter what you do, it will help. Just find a safe place and (if necessary) a safe friend and grieve in your own way. Sometimes, in the process of grieving, one gets physically hurt. I'm not advocating or encouraging people to hurt themselves. But sometimes, people get hurt by accident... Usually small cuts or bruises or intoxication. Sometimes, it helps the process of recovery. I think the process of realization or awareness sometimes happens when one slows down after being physically or emotionally exhausted. Healing happens when we are able to take time to reframe our perspective and/or perception. Another thought... to the parents right now, it doesn't matter who the shooter was or why he did it... Those questions can come later... When they are ready... I just have one thought about the gunman. In my mind, he is a kid. Some said he has high functioning autism and may have been depressed. (Ironically, I was giving a presentation on depressive symptoms in children with high functioning autism on Thursday evening) I am not saying that he is not responsible for his actions. But it is important to note that he may have a mental disability that prevents him from thinking and feeling like a typical person would. Yes, in a macro view, acts like these are manifestation of evil. But he is not evil. A person with "typical" mental capacity doing acts like these is evil. I work with children with autism and developmental disabilities. I have my fair share of spits, scratches, punches, kicks, etc... But I know, if they could control themselves (emotionally, behaviorally and cognitively) better, they would. I don't blame them for what they have done or became. I know if they have the choice, they would chose to behave otherwise. I'm glad my therapists feel that way too. Do I get upset or angry when I get hurt in the course of work? Yes. But it usually blow over very quickly, because I am not emotionally hurt by the child. It is foolish to think the child knows the extend of the damage he/she has done. It is ridiculous to be angry with them. That said, some of them can be taught to better understand perceptive taking and understanding someone else's point of view or emotion. This post was never meant to be able the shooting. But I guess I just let my thoughts flow... So I'll leave it as it is.

Beauty Will Rise.

It is usually around this time (Dec-Jan) when we have more thoughts of Taylor. How she may have looked like, what she should be able to do now, what we could have been doing... Not surprising since her birthday and death day fell just a month from each other.

In under 12 hours, it would be exactly 2 years since Taylor left us. We miss her ever so much. I still look enviously at couples with young children or babies. Just yesterday, I saw a couple with a newborn just at the lift lobby of a shopping mall. I was thinking how Taylor never got out of the hospital's NICU. Not sure if she cared that she missed all the shopping, but I just wished we could spend one day as a normal family.

Recently, I picked up Stephen Curtis Chapman's "Beauty Will Rise," an album he wrote after/about the death of his daughter. He took the words right out of my brains. Thank God for such talented people who could put down emotions so eloquently on a medium. This guy should get a PhD for what he did. This is no cheese-pop Christian pop music. He talked about feeling tired, weak, angry... and the real hope of meeting his daughter again. Taylor's Chinese name "天美" means "Beautiful Day" (or "Heaven's Beauty" if you are really creative) The album's name and title track just put a smile on my face. :)

Like him, I can't wait to meet my daughter.
So until we meet again Taylor, I love you.

2nd Birthday

I can't believe Taylor would have been two years old. It felt so much longer. It felt like I missed her for a much longer time. Yet, it has only been slightly under two years. How many more years do I have to feel this way? I don't really know. I guess it depends on when I get called back to the Lord. 

In a few days, we could have been taking her back to the US to see her family in the States. We could have been deciding what clothes to bring and what not to; we could have been talking about what presents she wants to give to grandma or grandpa or to her aunts and uncles but we are not; we could have been talking about tricks to prank on different people and who to piss off but we are not; we could have been... 

I could have been planning what to buy for her second birthday. What do you buy your daughter on her second birthday? Do you start buying her princessy stuff or get her a utility knife? Hell, I don't know. Instead of having a birthday party for her, here I am sitting in a bar/restaurant having corn chips, salsa, and beer. Not planned of course... It just happened.

Unplanned of course, someone had to ask me if I had kids. I was thinking today, if we do have another kid, do we say that that's our only child or do we say second? Because I don't want this child to feel like he/she is playing second fiddle (no offends to second fiddlers out there).  

It's been a good day at work... But it was cold, dark and gloomy for me. 

Happy Birthday Taylor, you are the only bright spark for me today.

Taylor's Shelf of Books

For the last 2 weeks, we have been sleeping in Taylor's room (now reading room). We have a sofa-bed from Ikea and decided to use it. The air-con in our room seems to be lazy, so we decided to sleep in Taylor's room where the air-con is hardly used. It's kind of weird knowing that we would not be sleeping here if she was still here.


Today, I noticed a shelf of books that was meant for Taylor. We bought some of them, but some were given by family and friends. "Goodnight Moon" was from her maternal grandparents. It simply read, "To: Taylor Marie Lee From: Memommy and Papa." There wasn't a message in it. I guess one was not needed.

Dreams

The past 2 nights I have had recurring dreams that have been my worst nightmare. In the dream I can hear Taylor crying but cannot get to her. No one will help me or let me have her. Then someone tells me that Jesus has her. I know He has her and she is safe, but that doesn't stop my yearning for her. I want her, to see her grow up, to cuddle her, to wipe away her tears, to train her up in the way she should go... Some days are much harder than others- this season of my life seems to be filled with pain. I'm looking to the Lord for the comfort that only He can bring and resting in the promise that I will see her again in heaven.

The Ride That Never Ends

Thanks to those who have prayed for K and me the past year and a half-we really appreciate it more than words can say. We still miss Taylor daily, but the pain is a bit less most days. The 6 weeks we had with her are irreplaceable.

The Lord in His grace and mercy allowed me to secure a position at ICS, an international Christian school, in Singapore. Teaching music again and working with students has been a balm to my heart. I LOVE being in an environment where I can teach music as a form of worship. Things have been going well at the school and for that I am thankful. I work with an amazing staff, have awesome students, and great parents. It is such a blessing.

February came and I thought that I might be pregnant again... I was working my courage up to take a test to know for sure when I had a miscarriage. It feels like we have been on a roller coaster ride for the past year and a half. I know that God has a plan and have faith that He wants the best us, but sometimes it is very hard to accept. His plans are not always aligned with our own, but His are best. Please lift us up as this has brought back the loss of Taylor with full force again.

This song helps me and I sing it several times a day. I pray it can help you as well.
When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with You above the storm
Father you are King over the flood
I will be still and know You are God

Lord, help me to be still and listen for Your voice.

Thanks again for your support and prayers. We love you all.


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