Is that picture you when you were a baby?

I started teaching again this week... I am blessed to be able to serve at an International Christian School here in Singapore. God opened a door for me to find joy in Him through music and teaching at just the right moment. I was doing well on the outside, but holding in a lot of emotions and retreating into myself- having a purpose and goal through work has helped me with trying to move forward. Our theme in the elementary school this year is to Fully Rely on God... I am striving to do just that even through the grief and tears.

I put up a couple of pictures of Taylor in my classroom. Some of my little ones have asked about the pics- I have been asked if the picture is me several times. When I explain about Taylor and her short life here on earth I get mixed reactions. Some of them get a little confused and ask me why I (her Mommy) am still here but she is gone, some don't really understand, and some tell me I will see her again. I didn't realize when putting up the pics what an impact it would have on me personally and as a teacher. I didn't plan to work in Singapore, I planned to stay home with Taylor. I admit I am angry sometimes that my plans were changed without my consent. But, I am reminded that God in His infinite wisdom has given me a promise in Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." For now, my place is at school teaching my favorite thing- music. Each day as I come to know and work with more people I see God's hand in placing me at ICS. I still miss her with my entire being every moment of every day; still crying and aching. But, I am committed to fully rely on Him instead of wallowing in my grief.

My darling girl would have been 8 months old yesterday. I'm still wearing those "ugly shoes" that I can never take off, but am able to walk a little farther each day.

Thanks to those friends still lifting us up in prayer- we are truly blessed with wonderful prayer warriors.

Driving... Miss My Girl.

Had a thought while driving one day... When I get to heaven, I think the first thing I want to do is spend my moments with Taylor. I'll probably sneak away while everyone is singing and praising and just be with her. Of course, this is the human, me, talking... who knows what I will really do then... Maybe my brain will cease to work and I will lose all form of autonomy. Or maybe, I'll find a whole bunch of mothers and fathers, whom all sneaked away to spend time with their children who left too soon. It would be like sneaking away to the boy's room for a smoke break, only to find out you are not the only one... in the stall... doing the same thing.

I think I will just spend all eternity making up for the time lost in a lifetime.
Taylor would have been 8 months old today. We both still cry... in the weirdest times and for the weirdest reasons. I think I might be going insane too. Last week, a father was rocking his 6 month old girl during a worship service. It just reminded me how I have lost that chance with Taylor. It was hard holding back during those moments. I almost wanted to buy a doll just to rock "her..." with her head on my shoulder... I just want to experience carrying/rocking my flesh and blood.

On another occasion, while driving, I was thinking of death. Not that I want to die, but just death in general (Which is common since I teach on that topic). In the past, while I don't really fear dying I don't really look forward to it. Now, it seems like it doesn't really matter as much. In fact, sometimes, I think I welcome it. Then ,I will see my daughter again. The will for self-preservation seems to have decreased.

Of course, there are people that I care for that are still living. For that, I will look both ways when I cross the road.