We are going to the doctor every week now... Just to make sure that we are monitoring Taylor's growth closely. We did a scan with the high-tech ultra sound machine up in level 4 again, and then late at the doctor's private clinic. Not much has changed. Doctor said that her weight is "creeping" so there is some improvement, just not much. BabyMa's weight has increased by 2kg, so that is good. We did a blood test to try rule out possible viral or autoimmune disorders that can cause the low birth weight/size.
Doctor looked at the amniotic fluid level (level 8.4)... said that it was still within normal level (about 6-10) but if it drops to below a 6, we need to start preparing for C-Section delivery.
This morning, we were both up at around 3am... We were worried because BabyMa has not felt Taylor kicked since 7pm the previous night. We waited for a little, tried to push her a little but still nothing. At 3:15am, we decided to call the Doctor and make our way to the hospital. The doctor was up too because she had another patient in labor. We arrived at the same time she did. We went to the delivery ward... There, She instructed the Head Midwife to do a heart-beat scan, and prepare an ultrasound machine for her. She was going to see BabyMa after the delivery.
My mum came along too. I was afraid that if there was something wrong, she would blame me for not waking her up.
I was there with BabyMa. The midwife held the sensor to her tummy, trying to find the heart-beat. For about 5-10mins, we couldn't hear anything. I was worried. But the midwife was calm. She took her time to "feel" around. Finally, we heard it. About 140 bpm. It was pretty stable. A good sign (The doctor later said that if she is sleeping/inactive, her heartrate will naturally be slower than if she was awake). After the midwife found the heartbeat, I held the sensor close to the belly until the doctor arrived.
We waited for about 30 mins, then the doctor came in. It was a fast delivery. (I wondered if the doctor even got out of her causal clothING).
She looked around with the Ultrasound machine... that looked like something from the 60s (used by the Dharma Initiative in LOST)... She said Taylor was moving, but very gently, probably why BabyMa didn't feel much. Taylor looked like she bulk up some. Placenta looks good. Fluid level looks ok... Almost sounds like a car maintenance check.
For about 15 mins, we talked about how to proceed from here on. Doc will be away for the last 2 weeks of December. It is very possible that Taylor will be delievered early and will require intensive care. We are thinking of changing to a different hospital so that another doctor friend of our doctor can do follow-ups (an possibly deliver Taylor). She let us used her spare portable heartbeat sensor so that we can monitor at home. I asked how much an ultrasound machine cost. Tom Cruise had one at home.... Anyway, she said that if the baby's heart rate fell below 100 bpm, we should call her and get to the hospital immediately. The heartbeat will slow down gradually, so we will when to expect it, if it happens.
After everything, I looked at the bill for the night... I wondered why I didn't get a discount since I held the sensor to the tummy for most of the night. We got back home at around 530am.
For the last 2-3 weeks, I've been trying to process all that has been happening. How some treatments may require be to choose between the mother and the child.
Everything, from a human-experience (read: not humanistic) or religious point-of-view, just doesn't make sense. Sometimes, I don't want it to make sense. Maybe it would be easier for the spirit. I guess if things made sense, then I will dwell deeper and deeper, trying to find more meaning. We have been pounded by many other things that are happening. But we are still strong, and taking it minute by minute.
I just want to believe that things happen. I don't want to construct reasons behind the phenomenon. It wouldn't matter. There is no way you can be sure that things happen for one reason and not for another. I don't want to hear people telling me "Maybe God let this happen so that (fill-in-the-blank)." Because there can be some many things that can fill those blanks. I don't need to complicate things more than it already is. I still believe that God is and will be good. I just don't need/want people to construct my reality.
Through this, I can see that BabyMa and I grieve very differently. We are still strong and optimistic. Our baby girl will be fighting strong like us. She will kick some serious
Thanks to all who are thinking of us. We are very blessed to have you all.
p.s. Planning a tattoo. Maybe.
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