Pneumothorax

The doctor called me in the late morning. He wanted to update me on Taylor's condition. Apparently, she had a pretty bad morning. Having pneumothorax... A collection of air between the lung and the chest wall that develops when air leaks out of the lung. She had to have a tube inserted into her lungs to kind of "patch up" the whole. It took all day, but her vital signs are starting to become stable again. Doctors were expecting it to happen earlier.

Manic Monday...

Mondays- what to say? Today along with the past weekend were a doozy. Things have taken a turn for the worst. Taylor's little lung collapsed and both lungs are becoming hardened. The docs say she has chronic lung disease. The oscillating ventilator has been on her for too long and is starting to have adverse effects on her lungs; she cannot cope on the other kind of ventilator. The O2 will not seep through to her blood like it is supposed to anymore. She is on full support from the ventilator but her O2 saturation level is still only 40-80% most of the time. Her bp and pulse have gone bonkers the last two days- she is on three meds to try and control it but is not responding well. Her little tummy is full of gas and is bloating up again but they cannot do anything about it now because of the lung problems. She is on 3 antibiotics again because blood work is showing an infection somewhere. Her jaundice level is up and down as usual along with her sugar level. She is receiving lots of blood and frozen plasma to try and stabilize her. Nothing seems to be working. The docs and the nurses are working on her pretty much 24/7. It has been a long weekend and a horrible Monday. After talking with the docs this afternoon I just cried and cried. It took me a long time to gain control and be able to sing and talk to her like normal. We both lost control after we left the hospital. It is hard to watch your child be sick and not be able to do anything. I would take it all in a heartbeat if only she could be ok. We went back to see her tonight and were able to take Kelvin's parents with us. My parents got an earlier flight- they will arrive on Wed. I am thankful they will be earlier than planned. I need my Momma! The one thing getting me through this time is knowing my darling girl is resting in the arms of Jesus all day, every day. She is in the best hands- the ones that formed her perfectly in His own image. We pray she has a better night and for a better report tomorrow. A good friend told me that Taylor is doing the NICU shuffle right now, one step forward and two steps back. I pray we have a forward step tomorrow.

People Get Ready

Had to go for a dental surgery today so BabyMama took a cab to the hospital by herself. I met her there. Her O2 dependency was 80%. Nurse said it will be going up and down until her lungs mature.

Decided to sing/hum to her "People Get Ready." Not sure why... But I think she enjoyed it. This was the closest I've been with her face to face... She opened her eyes and "looked" right at me. I know she can't see me yet. But I think she recognizes the quality in my voice. It is probably something different from the serious doctors and nurses around her all day. It was a "moment" for me and Taylor. Meanwwhile, BabyMama had already sang to her for the last 45 minutes while waiting for me to arrive.

There were pee stains on her diaper. Never knew I would be so excited over the sight of pee. They had to help her excrete pooped today, because she wasn't able to do it herself.

(Now, we are going to see her again... Evening visit)

Christmas Day

Off the Photo Therapy lighting. Doctors will try to make her crap by stimulating the rectum. O2 levels fluctuate.

Taylor opened her eyes a little more these days. But we still can't see the white of her eyes. They are still very underdeveloped.

Blue Smurf Again...

Taylor is getting a little better. She is under the Photo Therarpy light again because her jaundice numbers are up, but the doctor wasn't too worried about that. Overall, her numbers looked a little better. Doctors have lowered down the settings on the machine. O2 level at 31% dependency. Down from 3 antibiotics to 1 (for precautionary measures). Her tummy looked a little less distended according to BabyMa and her doctor, but I can't tell the difference.

Doctor said she pooped and peed last night. Her sugar level is a little low. May require another pack of blood tomorrow morning. Hemoglobin is "holding."

Yesterday, the head doctor talked to us. She a little more relaxed with us. Telling us that Taylor looked better than when she first came into the NICU. On the X-Ray, her lungs can be seen. It seems like her lungs are functioning a little better. But we are still cautiously optimistic.

p.s. She skin is actually less blueish. The camera is unable to capture the true environment color under the the therapy lighting.

Rough ride 2

(Plagiarized from BabyMama)

6 pm visit: The docs had nothing new and improved to tell us. She was very responsive and active during the visit. We were blown away by how beautiful she is and how she "knew" our voices. It was cute to watch her open her eyes and move her hand and feet around. It almost looked like she was blowing kisses. Thanks for ...the prayers. It seems the real fight begins now.
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We got her umbilical cord today. We have to air-dry it and if we want, we can make a cast replical (?) of it. Took some pictures of it. Actually, I have learned a lot more about my camera functions because of Taylor's birth.

She opened her eyes a couple of times today. Mostly when BabyMa or I sang to her. Besides the usual, I sang to her "Beth" from KISS. BabyMa sang "It is well with my soul" (among 14 others).

p.s. Taylor has blonde hair.

Rough ride

12 noon visit: Taylor didn't poop anymore. She is also not passing urine. Her tummy looked bloated. The doctors are getting a surgeon to look into it. They are afraid there are perforations in her intestine. Later in the afternoon, the Head Surgeon called from the hospital. She said that there appears to be no perforation, so surgery is not necessary. However, even if surgery was necessary, because of her size, it will be hard and the risk may outweigh the benefits. She will need to consult us first. It will be a hard decision.

The social worker also called this afternoon. She kind of prepared us for what the next few days/weeks are going to be like. Jumpy moments. I was putting my jeans as I answered the call from the hospital.

This morning, they tried to get her off the oscillator and just go back to the previous ventilator, However, she was unable to support her breathing without the oscillator.

Her blood is also not coagulating. Her hemoglobin, platelet, and plasma are all low. I think it is because she is underdeveloped. This may influence her ability to fight infections. The doctors need to be careful as to what antibiotics to give her because some antibiotics can cause her system to fail. So they are being very careful.

Birth Certificate.

When down to the Immigration Office... Got her Birth Certificate.

Poop!

Evening: Taylor pooped! Best looking poop if you ask me. That was a good sign. It means her system is moving and working a little better.

Her oxygen dependency is down to about 55% (it was high in the last couple nights [80-100%]). Her lungs are a little better. Blood Pressure is still maintaining. Brain scan is clean.

Her blood is still not coagulating well. She is still a little jaundice, so the photo therapy continues. She is also not peeing, which suggest a continuation of the infection.

We got an electric milk expression machine. It works so much better. Now we have more milk to give to Taylor.

3 days and counting...

It's the third day. Nurse said the honeymoon is over. Now the infection will start affecting Taylor.

... But we had 3+ days to show her love... And for her to show us love.


12pm visit: Taylor's glucose level is good. BP maintaining. Fighting horrible infection with platelets and antibiotics. Spiting out some brown mucus (blood). Doctors trying hard to fix her lungs. Oxygen level support...Ups and Downs... 85%, 100%, 90%, 100%, 90%... Tried to talk and sing to her through some slit that the tubes go through.

6pm visit: There are some brown mucus in her stomach area. The nurse said it was blood.

Her system isn't developed yet, so once she can handle milk, we will give her. Now we are preparing the supplies.

I've been singing to her and talking to her a lot. Mostly Mr. Big songs. Mostly "To Be With You." Tonight, I sang her the same song I sang to her mother at the wedding, "Nothing But Love." I think she was reacting to it. Either that, or she really hates my singing.

From BabyMama: Taylor is still fighting. We got to spend some quality time with her tonight. She was trying very hard to suck her thumb :) She even put her hand over her face when her Daddy kept taking pictures- it was very cute. She is still fighting infection, very jaundiced, and her lungs are still in trouble. The good news is her...

Update...

I just went to the Hospital. Taylor bp is still maintaining. Brain scan is still normal. No bleeding. However, the doctor said that she appears to be fighting an infection. Preemies don't have good antibodies to fight infection.The doctors are giving her a new antibiotic and platelets to try fight the infection. Her system isn't developed yet, so she can't handle milk. She is on Maximum life-support. The oxygen level is the maximum they can give her. Her lungs are still not developed all the way, and the doctors are trying very hard to fix them.

Babyma out

Babyma is discharge. Taylor is still in the NICU.

Her BP is maintaining without additional meds. Which is good. She is on a new "vibration" thing that vibrates her body so that the carbon dioxide can leave her body. She is very active... moving her limps a lot. So they need to sedate her a little with some morphine.

Taylor shares birthday with a good friend of BabyMa.

Taylor Marie Lee Tien Mei (天美; Born 16 December 2009; 10:23 am)

Babymama was admitted yesterday. She was just supposed to go for her first doctor's appointment with the new doctor. However, the new doctor decided that she should be admitted. Apparently the blood is flowing in reverse, moving through the umbilical cord; away from the fetus. It was a strange day for me. I was doing some training for new staff, but my mind was on babymama and the baby. I rushed to the hospital as fast as I could. I guess taxi drivers are not used to being cut off by another car 3 lanes away from a deadstart.

Went to the delivery suite and found her. A friend of mine was keeping her company. They gave her steroid so as to help the baby develop her lungs. It takes the shots 12 hours for it to work. They gave her another shot at around 9pm. If all goes well, she will delivery the baby via Cesarean Section after 9am the next morning.

My mom came later in the evening... Other visitors include our pastor, a friend from BabyMama's hometown (who happens to be living in Singapore)and a music teacher who BabyMa helped in Singapore. BabyMa seemed to be in good spirit.

I stayed with her in the delivery suite that night... still in my clothes from that day at work. It was hard to really get any rest because of the machines around, but more so because of the nurses and doctors that kept coming in every 2 or so hours.

That night (or early morning), I thought of a Chinese name for Taylor. Her full name will be Taylor Marie Lee Tien Mei. Tien Mei (天美) means "Beautiful Day" in Chinese. My grandmother came up with a list of Chinese names that she thought captured the essences of what Alaina wants in Taylor's name. They were good names, but they didn't really impress on me. I wanted a name that sounded nice, but also have a deeper meaning to it.

So it happened. The song lyrics spoke to me... "This is the day that that Lord had made. We will rejoice and be glad in it."

It is a beautiful day because God has given her to us Today. Regardless of what's going to happen in the future to Taylor or us, Today has it's importance. Also, "Tien Mei" shares the same initials as Taylor Marie. "Mei" is also the part of the Chinese name for "(US of) America," where her Mama's from. So she will remember part of her heritage. But most importantly, I can write "Tien Mei" without the help of a dictionary.

That morning, our new doctor and the senior staff nurse came to talk to us about the bill that will amount up for Taylor. Being a preemie, it is very likely that she will be in the NICU for a long time. The bill for a Class A ward will be through the stratosphere. For now, Babymama is still considered a foreigner. She has not gotten her PR status yet. So there is no subsidy for her. The baby can be a Citizen because I am, however, there are more hoops to jump through if we want to be able to pay the Citizen rate at the NICU. She will still get the same care, just different billing. So Babyma, decided that she will move down to a lower grade so that the bills for Taylor will be lower. Babymama's bill will be the same even though she is moving down.

At around 10am, Babymama was wheeled into the OR. The actual operation took about 30 minutes. I was brought into the NICU to see the baby. I saw Taylor for the first time there. Her tiny baby in a plastic bag (wrap) under the intense spot light just broke me. There were at least 4-5 specialist doctors and many more nurses attending to Taylor.

I spoke with the doctor... He told me that babies of this weight (>400 grams) and age do not usually make it. In fact, there are survivors. He said there were 2 routes we could go. One is to do nothing and let nature takes its course. Another is to go full examination and treatment, doing all we can do to treat Taylor. BabyMa and I decided to go all out.

(Gotta go to the Hospital now... Will continue later... but here's some pics)

... (Continue... Back from the Hospital).

Babyma was in the Post Operative Area (POA) for the entire day. She is having some medicine that required constant monitoring. In the afternoon, I went to the Immigration office. I wanted to talk to somebody who could help us expedite the PR process. The person helping me told me that there was a 3 month processing time. There are many applicants before us. I tried explaining our new situation. I wrote a letter on the spot to the Controller, explaining how my wife delivered today and we really need to have her PR done ASAP. If the baby kept to her schedule, it would have been ok, but the situation has changed. When the person read my letter, she said "So Sad." Then she begin to relate her story about her daugher-in-law (in the same hospital) not able to hold down any food. We chatted for a while, then I left.

I went back home, took a shower (have been in the same clothing since yesterday morning) packed some stuff for Babymama, then left for the hospital again.

KM and E were already there, along with my sis and the kids. KM was actually there on Day 1 since I could not make it in time. My niece and nephew were apparently noisy (because they were singing for BabyMa) and was asked to leave. The little girl was also trying to press the buttons on the machine attached to Babyma.


Now, before going up to the ward, I went to the NICU to take some videos and pics for Babyma hoping to surprize her. When I arrived, She was crying and really wanted to see the baby. A bunch of doctors were there around the bed to work on her. They finally agreed to let her go see Taylor. So I went back down with her... Took more pics... Babyma got to touch her. She was so excited and was totally speechless. You could see the joy on her face. Taylor did not look as bad as this morning. The plastic bag/sheet was gone... I was glad Babyma didn't see that. She would be even more heartbroken. Taylor has gone a LONG way in those few hours. So far, I have seen 2 doctors work on her lungs, a brain scan for blood clots, and some testing/drawing of blood.

That night, our pastor was there again. He told me that a church member's daughter worked at the Immigration and maybe able to help out more about the expedition. (Update: We just got news from her that our application has been expedited for review... may take up to a week)

Later that night, my friends K and A came to visit. Had McDonald's with them before we left the hospital. I went back home... uploaded the pics online so that everyone can see them. Check some emails/ did some work, then my boss sent me a text message over the phone.

He called me (from the office at 12:30am) on the phone and we talked for close to 45mins. He was very supportive and encouraging. He is a Christian and we talked about some biblical events related to childbirth. He then prayed for me over the phone. I sent him a pic of Taylor. He will share it with management with my permission. (Tonight, he and another colleague came to see BabyMa)

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The next day, Babyma text-messaged me to tell me they are moving her to the regular ward. She already had a sponge bath at 5:30 this morning. I left home at around 8:50am for the hospital.

We tried going down to see Taylor but the NICU would not let us. A social worker came to see us. I explained there was a some disconnect between what our doctor told us about visiting the NICU and the actual visiting policy of the NICU. The H1N1 outbreak seemed to restrict the visitation access a lot. But we did get to see her during the lunch and dinner visiting hours.

Moving to the lower class ward did not sit well with Babyma. She was thoroughly upset.

Today, the baby was under that blue light for jundice. A doctor came to speak with us. In short, she is stable but still in critical condition. Things can happen very quickly. She is experiencing some problems that are common to preemies. Right now she is having blood transfusion and other stuff going to her. She has the same blood type as me.

When Babyma and I went to see her, I touched her for the first time. I didn't dare to touch her much cause she looked so delicate... Didn't want to break her skin. I tried singing to her (I think I was a little sharp)... But I didn't really complete the parts because I was choked up. I just stood there talking to her through the plastic box... Telling her how proud I am of her... That she must keep fighting hard... That mummy and daddy love her very, very much. Looking at her, I just feel so guilty putting her little body through so much pain. I so wish they can stick those things in me instead of her.

I went to our new place today. Went to Taylor's room and stood by the door way and cried. I guess I just wanted to find a place that was quite and where I can be alone. Back home (where I now stay), Taylor's cot is another place I would break down every time I walk past it.

p.s. Just saw the trailers to Iron Man 2. Wish I could bring her to watch it with me.
p.p.s For the last 2 days, something from Dr. Suess has been ringing in my ears: "A person is a person, no matter how small."

Tomorrow... New Doctor, New Hospital

Taylor grew exponentially last week. 40 grams. Not a lot... but more than the last 3 weeks combined.

Tomorrow, we are going to see another doctor from another hospital. This hospital specializes in Women and Children (i.e., preggo delivery). Our doctor advised us to come here since a baby that needs intensive care would probably stay in the hospital's ICU longer (i.e., more expenses). Being a citizen, this hospital would have better subsidized rates for the newborn. Guess that is one benefit of living in a quasi-socialistic country... At least there is that option.

The new doctor is our soon-to-be former doctor's good friend. All the records have been sent. Now we wait.

p.s. I still have trouble looking for the heartbeat with the portable ultrasound device.

More Greatest Hits.

We are going to the doctor every week now... Just to make sure that we are monitoring Taylor's growth closely. We did a scan with the high-tech ultra sound machine up in level 4 again, and then late at the doctor's private clinic. Not much has changed. Doctor said that her weight is "creeping" so there is some improvement, just not much. BabyMa's weight has increased by 2kg, so that is good. We did a blood test to try rule out possible viral or autoimmune disorders that can cause the low birth weight/size.

Doctor looked at the amniotic fluid level (level 8.4)... said that it was still within normal level (about 6-10) but if it drops to below a 6, we need to start preparing for C-Section delivery.

This morning, we were both up at around 3am... We were worried because BabyMa has not felt Taylor kicked since 7pm the previous night. We waited for a little, tried to push her a little but still nothing. At 3:15am, we decided to call the Doctor and make our way to the hospital. The doctor was up too because she had another patient in labor. We arrived at the same time she did. We went to the delivery ward... There, She instructed the Head Midwife to do a heart-beat scan, and prepare an ultrasound machine for her. She was going to see BabyMa after the delivery.

My mum came along too. I was afraid that if there was something wrong, she would blame me for not waking her up.

I was there with BabyMa. The midwife held the sensor to her tummy, trying to find the heart-beat. For about 5-10mins, we couldn't hear anything. I was worried. But the midwife was calm. She took her time to "feel" around. Finally, we heard it. About 140 bpm. It was pretty stable. A good sign (The doctor later said that if she is sleeping/inactive, her heartrate will naturally be slower than if she was awake). After the midwife found the heartbeat, I held the sensor close to the belly until the doctor arrived.

We waited for about 30 mins, then the doctor came in. It was a fast delivery. (I wondered if the doctor even got out of her causal clothING).

She looked around with the Ultrasound machine... that looked like something from the 60s (used by the Dharma Initiative in LOST)... She said Taylor was moving, but very gently, probably why BabyMa didn't feel much. Taylor looked like she bulk up some. Placenta looks good. Fluid level looks ok... Almost sounds like a car maintenance check.

For about 15 mins, we talked about how to proceed from here on. Doc will be away for the last 2 weeks of December. It is very possible that Taylor will be delievered early and will require intensive care. We are thinking of changing to a different hospital so that another doctor friend of our doctor can do follow-ups (an possibly deliver Taylor). She let us used her spare portable heartbeat sensor so that we can monitor at home. I asked how much an ultrasound machine cost. Tom Cruise had one at home.... Anyway, she said that if the baby's heart rate fell below 100 bpm, we should call her and get to the hospital immediately. The heartbeat will slow down gradually, so we will when to expect it, if it happens.

After everything, I looked at the bill for the night... I wondered why I didn't get a discount since I held the sensor to the tummy for most of the night. We got back home at around 530am.

For the last 2-3 weeks, I've been trying to process all that has been happening. How some treatments may require be to choose between the mother and the child.

Everything, from a human-experience (read: not humanistic) or religious point-of-view, just doesn't make sense. Sometimes, I don't want it to make sense. Maybe it would be easier for the spirit. I guess if things made sense, then I will dwell deeper and deeper, trying to find more meaning. We have been pounded by many other things that are happening. But we are still strong, and taking it minute by minute.

I just want to believe that things happen. I don't want to construct reasons behind the phenomenon. It wouldn't matter. There is no way you can be sure that things happen for one reason and not for another. I don't want to hear people telling me "Maybe God let this happen so that (fill-in-the-blank)." Because there can be some many things that can fill those blanks. I don't need to complicate things more than it already is. I still believe that God is and will be good. I just don't need/want people to construct my reality.

Through this, I can see that BabyMa and I grieve very differently. We are still strong and optimistic. Our baby girl will be fighting strong like us. She will kick some serious ass anus (My wife reminded me to me culturally sensitive and change the word "ass" to something else, like "anus").

Thanks to all who are thinking of us. We are very blessed to have you all.

p.s. Planning a tattoo. Maybe.