On birthday, grieving, and shooting

(I've typed this using the ipad, and somehow the paragraphs are not showing. any solutions?) Taylor's birthday was on Sunday. We have been thinking of how our lives would be like if she were alive... How the 20+ hours plane ride would have been... Of course these questions didn't just take place on here birthday but usually more around this time. The school shooting in Newtown, CT left me a lot to think about. Mostly thoughts of the parents of the children killed in the shooting. How they have to deal with the consequences of the grim reality and, at the same time, grieve for the loss of their children. Adults died that day too and it is sad. But I think I can relate more with the parents of the children. There are probably dozens of questions going through their mind right now. How can this happen to my child? My baby? Not this one! How can this person/madman come in and tear away the lives of some many people. Does he know what he has done? To my child... to my family... to me??? How can my life ever be the same? Taylor did not die from a shooting. But these were the same exact questions I've asked. And I tried to put myself in the shoes of those parents (and family). What I have found useful is to accept what has happened to be fact. When I have worked through that stage of grief/loss, the healing process was a little easier. Sometimes, anger is necessary. Okay, maybe most times... But I think if you don't give yourself the permission to feel all the emotions, these raw emotions will pent up in you and find someway somehow to manifest themselves. Be happy, sad, mad, joke, cry, laugh, curse, stare... No matter what you do, it will help. Just find a safe place and (if necessary) a safe friend and grieve in your own way. Sometimes, in the process of grieving, one gets physically hurt. I'm not advocating or encouraging people to hurt themselves. But sometimes, people get hurt by accident... Usually small cuts or bruises or intoxication. Sometimes, it helps the process of recovery. I think the process of realization or awareness sometimes happens when one slows down after being physically or emotionally exhausted. Healing happens when we are able to take time to reframe our perspective and/or perception. Another thought... to the parents right now, it doesn't matter who the shooter was or why he did it... Those questions can come later... When they are ready... I just have one thought about the gunman. In my mind, he is a kid. Some said he has high functioning autism and may have been depressed. (Ironically, I was giving a presentation on depressive symptoms in children with high functioning autism on Thursday evening) I am not saying that he is not responsible for his actions. But it is important to note that he may have a mental disability that prevents him from thinking and feeling like a typical person would. Yes, in a macro view, acts like these are manifestation of evil. But he is not evil. A person with "typical" mental capacity doing acts like these is evil. I work with children with autism and developmental disabilities. I have my fair share of spits, scratches, punches, kicks, etc... But I know, if they could control themselves (emotionally, behaviorally and cognitively) better, they would. I don't blame them for what they have done or became. I know if they have the choice, they would chose to behave otherwise. I'm glad my therapists feel that way too. Do I get upset or angry when I get hurt in the course of work? Yes. But it usually blow over very quickly, because I am not emotionally hurt by the child. It is foolish to think the child knows the extend of the damage he/she has done. It is ridiculous to be angry with them. That said, some of them can be taught to better understand perceptive taking and understanding someone else's point of view or emotion. This post was never meant to be able the shooting. But I guess I just let my thoughts flow... So I'll leave it as it is.

Beauty Will Rise.

It is usually around this time (Dec-Jan) when we have more thoughts of Taylor. How she may have looked like, what she should be able to do now, what we could have been doing... Not surprising since her birthday and death day fell just a month from each other.

In under 12 hours, it would be exactly 2 years since Taylor left us. We miss her ever so much. I still look enviously at couples with young children or babies. Just yesterday, I saw a couple with a newborn just at the lift lobby of a shopping mall. I was thinking how Taylor never got out of the hospital's NICU. Not sure if she cared that she missed all the shopping, but I just wished we could spend one day as a normal family.

Recently, I picked up Stephen Curtis Chapman's "Beauty Will Rise," an album he wrote after/about the death of his daughter. He took the words right out of my brains. Thank God for such talented people who could put down emotions so eloquently on a medium. This guy should get a PhD for what he did. This is no cheese-pop Christian pop music. He talked about feeling tired, weak, angry... and the real hope of meeting his daughter again. Taylor's Chinese name "天美" means "Beautiful Day" (or "Heaven's Beauty" if you are really creative) The album's name and title track just put a smile on my face. :)

Like him, I can't wait to meet my daughter.
So until we meet again Taylor, I love you.