2nd Birthday

I can't believe Taylor would have been two years old. It felt so much longer. It felt like I missed her for a much longer time. Yet, it has only been slightly under two years. How many more years do I have to feel this way? I don't really know. I guess it depends on when I get called back to the Lord. 

In a few days, we could have been taking her back to the US to see her family in the States. We could have been deciding what clothes to bring and what not to; we could have been talking about what presents she wants to give to grandma or grandpa or to her aunts and uncles but we are not; we could have been talking about tricks to prank on different people and who to piss off but we are not; we could have been... 

I could have been planning what to buy for her second birthday. What do you buy your daughter on her second birthday? Do you start buying her princessy stuff or get her a utility knife? Hell, I don't know. Instead of having a birthday party for her, here I am sitting in a bar/restaurant having corn chips, salsa, and beer. Not planned of course... It just happened.

Unplanned of course, someone had to ask me if I had kids. I was thinking today, if we do have another kid, do we say that that's our only child or do we say second? Because I don't want this child to feel like he/she is playing second fiddle (no offends to second fiddlers out there).  

It's been a good day at work... But it was cold, dark and gloomy for me. 

Happy Birthday Taylor, you are the only bright spark for me today.

Taylor's Shelf of Books

For the last 2 weeks, we have been sleeping in Taylor's room (now reading room). We have a sofa-bed from Ikea and decided to use it. The air-con in our room seems to be lazy, so we decided to sleep in Taylor's room where the air-con is hardly used. It's kind of weird knowing that we would not be sleeping here if she was still here.


Today, I noticed a shelf of books that was meant for Taylor. We bought some of them, but some were given by family and friends. "Goodnight Moon" was from her maternal grandparents. It simply read, "To: Taylor Marie Lee From: Memommy and Papa." There wasn't a message in it. I guess one was not needed.

Dreams

The past 2 nights I have had recurring dreams that have been my worst nightmare. In the dream I can hear Taylor crying but cannot get to her. No one will help me or let me have her. Then someone tells me that Jesus has her. I know He has her and she is safe, but that doesn't stop my yearning for her. I want her, to see her grow up, to cuddle her, to wipe away her tears, to train her up in the way she should go... Some days are much harder than others- this season of my life seems to be filled with pain. I'm looking to the Lord for the comfort that only He can bring and resting in the promise that I will see her again in heaven.

The Ride That Never Ends

Thanks to those who have prayed for K and me the past year and a half-we really appreciate it more than words can say. We still miss Taylor daily, but the pain is a bit less most days. The 6 weeks we had with her are irreplaceable.

The Lord in His grace and mercy allowed me to secure a position at ICS, an international Christian school, in Singapore. Teaching music again and working with students has been a balm to my heart. I LOVE being in an environment where I can teach music as a form of worship. Things have been going well at the school and for that I am thankful. I work with an amazing staff, have awesome students, and great parents. It is such a blessing.

February came and I thought that I might be pregnant again... I was working my courage up to take a test to know for sure when I had a miscarriage. It feels like we have been on a roller coaster ride for the past year and a half. I know that God has a plan and have faith that He wants the best us, but sometimes it is very hard to accept. His plans are not always aligned with our own, but His are best. Please lift us up as this has brought back the loss of Taylor with full force again.

This song helps me and I sing it several times a day. I pray it can help you as well.
When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with You above the storm
Father you are King over the flood
I will be still and know You are God

Lord, help me to be still and listen for Your voice.

Thanks again for your support and prayers. We love you all.


A

1 year gone

Yesterday we reluctantly celebrated another milestone- 1 year without Taylor. K and I were able to spend the day together remembering and celebrating the life of our precious daughter. It seems like yesterday we got the call from the hospital to come quickly. It was a day of mixed emotions and many tears. The one thing we are blessed to know is that while we are sad for what we are missing with Taylor here on earth, she is safe and sound in the arms of Jesus. We are awaiting the day when we will be reunited with our sweet daughter again.