Christmas Thoughts

As we get ready to travel to the states to be with my family for Christmas, I am filled with equal parts of joy and sadness. I am very excited, blessed to be able to celebrate the birth of Christ with my family, but am extremely sad and often mad that Taylor will not be making this trip with us. She is still on my mind every hour of every day- the past week or so has been brutal. I was not prepared in the least for the feelings that resurfaced around her birthday. Holding on to Jesus, my husband, and my family has kept me going. I am choosing to be joyous and remember the reason for the season, Jesus.

A music teacher's work load more than doubles during the Christmas season... I am thankful to God for placing me in a Christian school where I was able to keep busy by telling others through song His story. The elementary Christmas programs were on Taylor's birthday. A few of my students knew it was a rough day for me. Children often hit the nail on the head without even realizing it- they were such a comfort to me. My chorus students made me cards and told me they were singing in memory of Taylor. Needless to say I cried like a baby; it touched my heart. That the children could pick up on the fact that I was sad when I was trying so hard to hide it was a blessing in disguise. The Lord used my students to minister to me in a way no one else had been able to.

I don't claim to know much about heaven, but I do know my precious baby girl is there and in no pain- for that I am thankful. I love you baby girl, always and forever; keep resting in His arms.

One year on...

Taylor would have been one year old today. For the last 2 to 3 days, events that happened around this time last year kept flashing in my mind. I would remember the time I got the phone call; how KM pretended to be the husband of A so that she wouldn't need to be alone in the ward; how I saw Taylor for the first time.

When I saw Taylor for the first time... She was crying. She was wrapped in a plastic clear wrap. Much like this baby. All I could do was try to sooth her. "Don't Cry... It's Okay... Daddy's here." I've never felt so helpless. There she was, my daughter, and there was nothing I could do to save her.

Ever since Taylor left this world... there's been a kind of numbness in us. We manifest this numbness rather differently.

p.s. I miss you so so very much Taylor. How long more do I have to wait?