You Give And Take Away

Today we visited a church for the first time since Taylor passed. It was so very hard to be there. The praise band started singing the song "Blessed be the Name of the Lord" and it really hit me. I have a choice how I react to Taylor's passing- I can turn from God or turn to Him. God doesn't promise that if we believe our lives will be pain free- in fact we will have many trials and tribulations. BUT, even in the dark times, we can make a choice to praise and give God glory. It was very hard to sing the song and even to sit through worship, but it was a step to keep my walk with God and I am glad I took the step. Please pray for us. Lord, please hold me close and help me have peace.

Blessed be your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be your name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, Blessed be your name

21 Feb, 2010. One Month since Taylor's death.

Today, it has been one month since Taylor passed away. We are going to collect her ashes on Wednesday... we just need to make an appointment. We have flat times, and we have down times. After a month, it feels more like 2 years have passed, but it still hurts like it was just yesterday sometimes. I often wonder what she would be like had she lived. What mischief she would be up to... how she would break something expensive... or do something funny... Be I guess I can only imagine all these in my head.

Today was the first time we have gone to church since Taylor died. It was hard for me. It was like the stitches in my heart just reopened.So many times, I just wanted to walk out.

It's hard to imagine... if this had been a normal pregnancy, Taylor would STILL being in her mother's womb.

I am but one person... How much of this must I bear. How much more must A bear? How much more must Taylor's grandparents, uncles, aunts bear?

Last week, I stupidly borrow "Then She found Me" dvd. I thought it was a comedy... well, it was, but there was a twist. It became a drama movie. The character that Helen Hunt played lost her 10 week old fetus. She later adopted a Chinese girl from China. I wished I never borrowed that movie. But I think I needed to watch it, to let me know that someone else is experiencing a similar pain.

Love of My Life

Not sure why, but this song has been ringing in my head.

It doesn't get any easier.

With Hope

With Hope
Steven Curtis Chapman
This is not at all how
We thought it was supposed to be
We had so many plans for you
We had so many dreams
And now you've gone away
And left us with the memories of your smile
And nothing we can say
And nothing we can do
Can take away the pain
The pain of losing you, but ...

We can cry with hope
We can say goodbye with hope
'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end, oh no
And we can grieve with hope
'Cause we believe with hope
(There's a place by God's grace)
There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again

And never have I known
Anything so hard to understand
And never have I questioned more
The wisdom of God's plan
But through the cloud of tears
I see the Father's smile and say well done
And I imagine you
Where you wanted most to be
Seeing all your dreams come true
'Cause now you're home
And now you're free, and ...

We have this hope as an anchor
'Cause we believe that everything
God promised us is true, so ...

So we can cry with hope
And say goodbye with hope

We wait with hope
And we ache with hope
We hold on with hope
We let go with hope