1 year gone

Yesterday we reluctantly celebrated another milestone- 1 year without Taylor. K and I were able to spend the day together remembering and celebrating the life of our precious daughter. It seems like yesterday we got the call from the hospital to come quickly. It was a day of mixed emotions and many tears. The one thing we are blessed to know is that while we are sad for what we are missing with Taylor here on earth, she is safe and sound in the arms of Jesus. We are awaiting the day when we will be reunited with our sweet daughter again.

Christmas Thoughts

As we get ready to travel to the states to be with my family for Christmas, I am filled with equal parts of joy and sadness. I am very excited, blessed to be able to celebrate the birth of Christ with my family, but am extremely sad and often mad that Taylor will not be making this trip with us. She is still on my mind every hour of every day- the past week or so has been brutal. I was not prepared in the least for the feelings that resurfaced around her birthday. Holding on to Jesus, my husband, and my family has kept me going. I am choosing to be joyous and remember the reason for the season, Jesus.

A music teacher's work load more than doubles during the Christmas season... I am thankful to God for placing me in a Christian school where I was able to keep busy by telling others through song His story. The elementary Christmas programs were on Taylor's birthday. A few of my students knew it was a rough day for me. Children often hit the nail on the head without even realizing it- they were such a comfort to me. My chorus students made me cards and told me they were singing in memory of Taylor. Needless to say I cried like a baby; it touched my heart. That the children could pick up on the fact that I was sad when I was trying so hard to hide it was a blessing in disguise. The Lord used my students to minister to me in a way no one else had been able to.

I don't claim to know much about heaven, but I do know my precious baby girl is there and in no pain- for that I am thankful. I love you baby girl, always and forever; keep resting in His arms.

One year on...

Taylor would have been one year old today. For the last 2 to 3 days, events that happened around this time last year kept flashing in my mind. I would remember the time I got the phone call; how KM pretended to be the husband of A so that she wouldn't need to be alone in the ward; how I saw Taylor for the first time.

When I saw Taylor for the first time... She was crying. She was wrapped in a plastic clear wrap. Much like this baby. All I could do was try to sooth her. "Don't Cry... It's Okay... Daddy's here." I've never felt so helpless. There she was, my daughter, and there was nothing I could do to save her.

Ever since Taylor left this world... there's been a kind of numbness in us. We manifest this numbness rather differently.

p.s. I miss you so so very much Taylor. How long more do I have to wait?

What would you look like?

A young baby? A young woman? Or an old woman? Someday soon.

Anytime, Anywhere

I have been reading old posts and thinking about this time last year... when our world came crashing down around us. Rebuilding that world has been difficult and is still a daily process. What I can tell you is that God is able and willing to meet us anytime, anywhere. He sees to my needs even before I know that I have a need. What a blessing it is to know and serve Him. I thank Him for taking care of my precious purple princess. The Lord in His infinite mercy opened a door for me at an International Christian school here in Singapore. While I was hesitant to open up to the kids at first, my heart is fully committed now. The Lord has given me back my joy for singing and teaching- I missed it and am blessed daily for following His will. I still struggle, K does as well, but life moves on whether we want it to or not. We will be going home for Christmas- I am looking forward to it more than I can express. It will be an emotional time as my family will finally be able to "love" on me since Taylor passed away. I am awaiting the day when we will all be together in heaven- what a day that will be.

A baby and an unexpected box

Since the passing of our daughter Taylor Marie in late January, I have been hesitant to be near baby girls. I never quite know what my reaction is going to be- sometimes I cry, sometimes I feel like I'm breaking into pieces, sometimes I'm angry, sometimes I am just sad... I found myself closing off to babies in general, but especially baby girls. God, being the awesome Father that He is, put a baby girl in my path each day this past week. Her mommy was a teacher during our spiritual life week at school and brought her along each day. Monday and Tuesday I cried almost the whole time I was in the room with her, Wednesday she didn't come, and I am sad to say that I was happy she wasn't there. I felt like God was trying to deal with me on the issue and spent a lot of time in prayer Wednesday and Thursday morning. I decided to hold her on Thursday in an effort to overcome my fears/anger. It was pure bliss holding and loving on a little one again. I am not saying that I am suddenly all better, but God has worked on my heart. I needed that time to hold onto her to help me move forward. God, in His infinite wisdom, brought her to me when He knew I was ready. Thank you Lord for your loving kindness each and everyday.

This past week in the mail I got card saying that we had a box at the post office... I was quite puzzled about who it could be from and what it could be. I quickly called my Mom and asked her if she had sent anything or had heard of anyone sending anything over; she was just as puzzled as me. I called the number on the card and asked them to redeliver it on Saturday. We waited and waited, the doorbell rang a little after noon and K retrieved our box from the mailman. K asked me if I had knew someone named Nicholas Yancy Nischan- I told him no and then asked him to open the box. Inside the box was a care package for grieving families... what a blessing, surprise. The package included books, a cd, a photo frame, a photo album, a teddy bear, two cards and some beautiful wind chimes. We kept looking at the cards trying to figure out if we knew any of the people who had signed the card- we don't. After all these months, the pain is still fresh and comes at unexpected times. We have been and continue to be blessed by friends and strangers alike who care and pray for us. Our hearts were filled with many emotions, not the least being amazement that someone in Eastern KY gave our names/address to the foundation. Thank you, whoever you are- we love and appreciate you. After a bit of crying, we set off to find out more about the Nicholas Yancy Nischan Foundation. Check out the link to read about Nick’s life and story: http://nicholasyancynischanfoundation.blogspot.com/

Is that picture you when you were a baby?

I started teaching again this week... I am blessed to be able to serve at an International Christian School here in Singapore. God opened a door for me to find joy in Him through music and teaching at just the right moment. I was doing well on the outside, but holding in a lot of emotions and retreating into myself- having a purpose and goal through work has helped me with trying to move forward. Our theme in the elementary school this year is to Fully Rely on God... I am striving to do just that even through the grief and tears.

I put up a couple of pictures of Taylor in my classroom. Some of my little ones have asked about the pics- I have been asked if the picture is me several times. When I explain about Taylor and her short life here on earth I get mixed reactions. Some of them get a little confused and ask me why I (her Mommy) am still here but she is gone, some don't really understand, and some tell me I will see her again. I didn't realize when putting up the pics what an impact it would have on me personally and as a teacher. I didn't plan to work in Singapore, I planned to stay home with Taylor. I admit I am angry sometimes that my plans were changed without my consent. But, I am reminded that God in His infinite wisdom has given me a promise in Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." For now, my place is at school teaching my favorite thing- music. Each day as I come to know and work with more people I see God's hand in placing me at ICS. I still miss her with my entire being every moment of every day; still crying and aching. But, I am committed to fully rely on Him instead of wallowing in my grief.

My darling girl would have been 8 months old yesterday. I'm still wearing those "ugly shoes" that I can never take off, but am able to walk a little farther each day.

Thanks to those friends still lifting us up in prayer- we are truly blessed with wonderful prayer warriors.