You Give And Take Away

Today we visited a church for the first time since Taylor passed. It was so very hard to be there. The praise band started singing the song "Blessed be the Name of the Lord" and it really hit me. I have a choice how I react to Taylor's passing- I can turn from God or turn to Him. God doesn't promise that if we believe our lives will be pain free- in fact we will have many trials and tribulations. BUT, even in the dark times, we can make a choice to praise and give God glory. It was very hard to sing the song and even to sit through worship, but it was a step to keep my walk with God and I am glad I took the step. Please pray for us. Lord, please hold me close and help me have peace.

Blessed be your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be your name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, Blessed be your name

21 Feb, 2010. One Month since Taylor's death.

Today, it has been one month since Taylor passed away. We are going to collect her ashes on Wednesday... we just need to make an appointment. We have flat times, and we have down times. After a month, it feels more like 2 years have passed, but it still hurts like it was just yesterday sometimes. I often wonder what she would be like had she lived. What mischief she would be up to... how she would break something expensive... or do something funny... Be I guess I can only imagine all these in my head.

Today was the first time we have gone to church since Taylor died. It was hard for me. It was like the stitches in my heart just reopened.So many times, I just wanted to walk out.

It's hard to imagine... if this had been a normal pregnancy, Taylor would STILL being in her mother's womb.

I am but one person... How much of this must I bear. How much more must A bear? How much more must Taylor's grandparents, uncles, aunts bear?

Last week, I stupidly borrow "Then She found Me" dvd. I thought it was a comedy... well, it was, but there was a twist. It became a drama movie. The character that Helen Hunt played lost her 10 week old fetus. She later adopted a Chinese girl from China. I wished I never borrowed that movie. But I think I needed to watch it, to let me know that someone else is experiencing a similar pain.

Love of My Life

Not sure why, but this song has been ringing in my head.

It doesn't get any easier.

With Hope

With Hope
Steven Curtis Chapman
This is not at all how
We thought it was supposed to be
We had so many plans for you
We had so many dreams
And now you've gone away
And left us with the memories of your smile
And nothing we can say
And nothing we can do
Can take away the pain
The pain of losing you, but ...

We can cry with hope
We can say goodbye with hope
'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end, oh no
And we can grieve with hope
'Cause we believe with hope
(There's a place by God's grace)
There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again

And never have I known
Anything so hard to understand
And never have I questioned more
The wisdom of God's plan
But through the cloud of tears
I see the Father's smile and say well done
And I imagine you
Where you wanted most to be
Seeing all your dreams come true
'Cause now you're home
And now you're free, and ...

We have this hope as an anchor
'Cause we believe that everything
God promised us is true, so ...

So we can cry with hope
And say goodbye with hope

We wait with hope
And we ache with hope
We hold on with hope
We let go with hope

A Memorial for Baby Taylor

A memorial has been set up for Baby Taylor. If you feel led to help in this way make checks payable to: In Memory Taylor Marie Lee Tien Mei and in the memo section of your check write: 8146. Then mail your check to: BB&T, Attn: Deangela Walker, mailcode: 900-10-01-00, 3841 Pelham Road, Greenville, SC 29615. If you are uncomfortable mailing a check, visit any local BB&T and say you want to make a donation to Taylor Marie Lee's memorial under Anthony Todd Thomas 8146.
Another friend has decided to organize a team to raise money for the March of Dimes in honor of Taylor. We are very blessed to have such supportive friends and family. It is awesome to see our daughter's life honored in many different ways. Thanks again for all the support.

Ugly Shoes

Ugly Shoes
I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable Shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in the world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by
before they think of how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger women.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
Author Unknown

I pray that the pain gets easier- right now it is unbearable. After talking with other mothers who have been in these shoes I can pray that there will be some relief in time. I am thankful for a loving Father who is seeing me through. Thanks for all the prayers and support for K and me at this time. Please pray for our families as well.

One More Angel

I was thinking (I know... dangerous) yesterday...

God sent His Perfect Son to die for our sins. What pain it must have been for Him. I don't know if anyone can understand unless you have lost a child.

Taylor was not born perfect. She was born human. And we feel so much sorrow. What more a perfect person. How much more sorrow God must have felt.
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Years ago, a good friend of mine introduced to me John Patitucci's album "One More Angel" John and his wife, Sachi, have lost their first 2 children (a miscarriage and a stillborn) before their daughters now. I think the album liners said one of the nurses told Sachi that maybe God needed one more angel. The title track "One More Angel" (and the rest of the album too) is filled with both sorrow and strength. It is probably one of his best albums. You can read an interview here. Interesting what he says about making a "Christian" album.
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Taylor has left us for 2 days, 11 hours, and 21 mins.