A letter for my darling girl

My darling princess,
I had hoped that we would spend many Mother's days together but that hope is not to be. My heart aches and my arms are empty- I miss you so. I know that you are in heaven praising Jesus and that you are safe in His arms. It may seem silly, but I picture a big nursery where you and all the other angel babies live; I just know that your Great-great-Grandma Party is holding you and loving on you and it gives me some peace. The ache to be able to hold and comfort you has not lessened over the past months, it has grown. I often wonder what you would be doing now, how you would look, and if you would be getting ready to come home and live with your Daddy and me. We would have dedicated you to the Lord on Mother's Day at church but my precious angel you are already with Him and not in need of the dedication. Taylor, you gave me the most wonderful gift of being your Mother for 6 weeks and I will always cherish that time. Mommy loves you sweet girl. I went to the hospital to visit with some of your doctors and nurses; they still talk about you with awe and wonder; you were such an inspiration and a blessing to so many people during your short stay on earth. I am resting in the fact that I will see you again someday my darling girl and we will praise Jesus together- what a day that will be.
Love,
Mommy

Taylor would have been 4 months old day

Can't believe it has been 4 months since she was born. It has not gotten easier. We still miss her just as much. We laugh. We smile. But there is an emptiness that still lingers on.

3 months on...

It's hard to imagine that our dear girl would be 3 months old today. Even harder to imagine that she would just be about born if she followed her timetable.

Everyday, it's like living in the Matrix. I'm not sure if what happened had really happened. Once, I was in the office and I just had the realization that I was a father. A father. Imagine that. It just feels like a bad dejavu movie. Sometimes, I wonder if I even exist.

I have a picture of her in my office now. It was a picture of her in the hospital. She looked like she was waving and smiling and winking at the same time. I try to tell myself that she is, but I know she probably wasn't. I just got that moment.

We got Taylor's ashes about 3 weeks back. Now, the urn is sitting on the display cardboard we got.

Happy Birthday, Taylor. We love you very much, where ever you are, when ever you are.

You Give And Take Away

Today we visited a church for the first time since Taylor passed. It was so very hard to be there. The praise band started singing the song "Blessed be the Name of the Lord" and it really hit me. I have a choice how I react to Taylor's passing- I can turn from God or turn to Him. God doesn't promise that if we believe our lives will be pain free- in fact we will have many trials and tribulations. BUT, even in the dark times, we can make a choice to praise and give God glory. It was very hard to sing the song and even to sit through worship, but it was a step to keep my walk with God and I am glad I took the step. Please pray for us. Lord, please hold me close and help me have peace.

Blessed be your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be your name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, Blessed be your name

21 Feb, 2010. One Month since Taylor's death.

Today, it has been one month since Taylor passed away. We are going to collect her ashes on Wednesday... we just need to make an appointment. We have flat times, and we have down times. After a month, it feels more like 2 years have passed, but it still hurts like it was just yesterday sometimes. I often wonder what she would be like had she lived. What mischief she would be up to... how she would break something expensive... or do something funny... Be I guess I can only imagine all these in my head.

Today was the first time we have gone to church since Taylor died. It was hard for me. It was like the stitches in my heart just reopened.So many times, I just wanted to walk out.

It's hard to imagine... if this had been a normal pregnancy, Taylor would STILL being in her mother's womb.

I am but one person... How much of this must I bear. How much more must A bear? How much more must Taylor's grandparents, uncles, aunts bear?

Last week, I stupidly borrow "Then She found Me" dvd. I thought it was a comedy... well, it was, but there was a twist. It became a drama movie. The character that Helen Hunt played lost her 10 week old fetus. She later adopted a Chinese girl from China. I wished I never borrowed that movie. But I think I needed to watch it, to let me know that someone else is experiencing a similar pain.

Love of My Life

Not sure why, but this song has been ringing in my head.

It doesn't get any easier.

With Hope

With Hope
Steven Curtis Chapman
This is not at all how
We thought it was supposed to be
We had so many plans for you
We had so many dreams
And now you've gone away
And left us with the memories of your smile
And nothing we can say
And nothing we can do
Can take away the pain
The pain of losing you, but ...

We can cry with hope
We can say goodbye with hope
'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end, oh no
And we can grieve with hope
'Cause we believe with hope
(There's a place by God's grace)
There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again

And never have I known
Anything so hard to understand
And never have I questioned more
The wisdom of God's plan
But through the cloud of tears
I see the Father's smile and say well done
And I imagine you
Where you wanted most to be
Seeing all your dreams come true
'Cause now you're home
And now you're free, and ...

We have this hope as an anchor
'Cause we believe that everything
God promised us is true, so ...

So we can cry with hope
And say goodbye with hope

We wait with hope
And we ache with hope
We hold on with hope
We let go with hope